At the behest of several friends, I threw my hat into the political ring this year by announcing my candidacy for the office of President of the united States of America. There are several reasons that I agreed to participate:
- I love this great country of ours and I feel that public service is a patriotic duty.
- This is the first election in which I am constitutionally eligible to participate as a candidate, having only recently passed the age of 35.
- I feel strongly that I am at least as well qualified as my esteemed opponents to bungle the handling of the current and any forthcoming crises.
- Uncertain times call for uncertain leadership, and while my leadership style is erratic at best, I would guarantee I would certainly be more fun than the other guys..
- I have always wanted my own secret service detail and motorcade.
- Like my esteemed opponents, I too am an attention whore.
I have been blessed in the fact that many friends and supporters have helped with this grass roots campaign. I have campaign managers in several states, who have been laying the groundwork. I found out today that I have received my first confirmed vote in Tennessee and the manager of my Texas campaign has assured me that the Longhorn state is a lock and it will definitely be a yellow state on election night.
Although, the mainstream media has completely ignored my campaign up to this point, I recently participated in a “virtual town hall” using a new technology known as the “Facebook Wall”, where I fielded questions from the American people. In the interest of spreading the good word of Bananaterianism and full disclosure I am including a transcript of those proceedings. The names of the questioners have been obscured to protect their privacy, because I am cool like that.
Monkeybrad is not actually particpating in the debate tonight, but will be happy to answer your questions in a town hall format. 10:41am
S…. D…. from Tennessee at 11:08am October 7
What is your position on dealing with the impending Captain Crunch shortages?
D… T…… from Florida at 11:29am October 7
There is no Captain Crunch shortage. The American public is just a bunch of whiners!
Monkeybrad at 11:30am October 7
You will hear a lot of talk from both sides of the aisle, but the truth is no one knows just how to deal with the threat of shortages, not only of Captain Crunch, but of other sugary breakfast foods as well. I think the key to continued prosperity concerning the most important meal of the day is not only continued strong support for our friends in Israel, who eschew bacon and sausage in favor of what have traditionally been more carbohydrate based breakfasts, but also an increased focus on American farmers who raise the crops which are processed into the high-fructose corn syrups essential for sugary cereal goodness. In these troubled times it is hard to decide just how to deal with the bewildering array of choices one faces at the breakfast table each morning, but I would like to renew my commitment to an America where there truly is a banana in every pot, and where the good people of this great nation are free to use that banana in any way they wish.
M…S… from Vermont at 12:14pm October 7
Ummm…respectfully, that answer sounds like it was delivered by one of the other douches running for office. Or maybe it’s the pointless topics that hold the public interest that perpetuate these rambling answers of non committed senselessness…I don’t want to be an outcast though so… HOORAH! HOORAH! to a new America in which sugary breakfast foods prevail.
Monkeybrad at 12:28pm October 7
I think that a close examination of my record will show a strong history of personal support for the pure unadulterated banana as my breakfast food of choice, although I have been known to expand this preference into the realm of banana based foods, such as muffins, pancakes and puddings. However, I must admit that in my youth I experimented with sugary cereals and even the occasional non-banana Pop-Tart. I admit these youthful indiscretions freely, not as a point of pride, but rather to let you know that like so many of my fellow Americans, I too have “been there”, and I understand the difficulties they face. With that said, I also point to my strong record of tolerance for those who make choices contrary to my own. I believe in an America strong enough and open enough to not only tolerate, but to celebrate the great diversity of this great and noble nation, a nation founded on the very principles that each man and woman is free to choose their own preferred sustenance.
D… T…… of Florida at 1:09pm October 7
I must speak up against these “non-banana Pop-Tarts”. They are known to be quite addictive even on the first trial and have resulted in many a shattered life. And don’t you dare tell us that you didn’t inhale…
Monkeybrad at 1:31pm October 7
I make no excuses, I did inhale them frequently in college and even occasionally on into adulthood. I understand more than most the absolute destructive power on not only non-banana Pop-Tarts, but of all non-fruit based sugary breakfast foods. However, you must also consider the root source of the problem, which lies with each of us, I am speaking here of personal responsibility. We are, each of us, constantly assaulted on all fronts by the tempting treats of big cereal and their cohorts in the sugar industry, but if we succumb to their enticements, who are we to blame. Is it our parents fault for passing along a genetic disposition to addiction to sugary treats? Do we blame Madison Avenue and their mind-warping marketing schemes? Is it the media who is at fault with their “sugar-coated” messages of “comfort food”? Or do we turn on our dental and medical professionals and say they have not done enough to make us listen to their warnings? I say No, it is none of the above.
In the words of the immortal Pogo, “We have met the enemy, and he is us.” We must take personal responsibility for the choices we have made and then begin to take positive substantive steps toward breaking America’s addiction on sugary snacks, both of foreign origin and domestic. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I believe that the choices that consenting adults make in the privacy of their own kitchens is their own business. However, when those choices bring our entire society to the brink of destruction then it is time for someone to stand up and call for change. Real, substantive change that comes from the heart of a people who are fed-up with the stranglehold that big sugar has on the American breakfast table; real change backed by the knowledge and experience that can lead us away from our addiction on sugary breakfast foods, and yea even snack foods, and back to the pure, unadulterated goodness of whole fruits, symbolized by the ripe, golden banana of American prosperity.
R….. L… of California at 1:50pm October 7
Since Obama and McCain have both been asked, we’re interested in hearing your answer to “How do you determine good ways of sorting one million 32-bit integers in two megabytes of RAM?”
Monkeybrad at 3:14pm October 7
Robert, I appreciate your question and the opportunity you have provided for me to really shine by showing off my technical acumen, but I don’t want to be like those other guys, who take the slow pitch questions and tee off on them as if they were not coached. Instead, I would like to take this opportunity to showcase my real skill in this arena, which is to find people who have a real aptitude for a project and promote them to the highest level possible. This is why I have chosen you to chair the Technological Ramblings and Obscure Codings Subcomittee for the Greater Good. I know that you possess the proper combination of technical knowledge, coding prowess and general apathy necessary to lead a coalition of techheads from both sides of the aisle. Your ability to determine which jobs need doing and which jobs need to be done well, separates you from the pack. I also recognize in you, a man who knows the value of a banana and who is prepared to forgo the devil’s cornbread.
S…. D…. of Tennessee at 11:49am October 8
What will be your policy on Global Swarming? And I have a new slogan for you – “A Monkey is a Terrible Thing to Waste”
Monkeybrad at 2:40pm October 8
I am not sure how to respond. As I turned 36 just this year, I am for the first time eligible, this is my first run at the highest office in the land. So it is safe to say that I am learning as I go. My first instinct is to discuss global swarming and what it may well mean to our nation today and as we move forward into the future. However, I watched the “other” debates last night and as I did, I listened not only to what my colleagues had to say, but I also tried to learn a little more about the process. Apparently I have been doing it all wrong, and that may well be, why the media has heretofore ignored my campaign. It is now clear to me that I made a rookie mistake yesterday, by actually answering the questions asked and engaging with my fellow citizens in a meaningful dialogue. Since I am not prepared to question my opponents records and I have no prepared talking points to hit, I will just have to say, that what bees choose to do on their own time is their business.
I appreciate you all allowing me to come into your computers today and discuss the issues that affect us all. It is an honor and a privilege to be an active participant in this great representative democracy and in it’s quest to determine the next leader of the executive branch for our republic. Just like many of you I have participated in this debate while engaged in the everyday business of this country, the day to day work that keeps this economy moving forward. I am proud to be a part of a system, which allows for this level of communication and diversion, while still increasing worker productivity, year in and year out. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we really set our collective minds to it. So thank you again, friends, fellow citizens for this opportunity to speak directly to you. I, like so many of you, will now leave my office to head home and view the debate of the two mainstream party candidates. I wish my worthy opponents luck.
Before I leave you for this evening, I would like for you all to know that I will be back here tomorrow, ready to answer your questions, ready to participate in this great process. And for those of you who read along today, and who enjoy drinking games, like so many of us proud Americans do, I say to you, I am the candidate of true change, I have great hope for our future and I know that if we work hard we can garner bipartisan support, reaching across the aisle to heartless conservatives, tax and spend liberals and even wild mavericks, to find new energy for America.
Remember when you go into the voting booth you can throw your vote away on a couple of guys who will promise anything and do nothing, or you can throw your vote away on me, a guy who will promise nothing and keep that promise.
As always, I appreciate your time, God bless you and God Bless America.
Bananaterian Candidate for President